Guilt sometimes comes out as a feeling of receiving or giving yourself more than you think you deserve. The substance of reception is unimportant, it can be anything from material items such as gifts, toys, clothes, your favorite food or immaterial feelings and experiences such as love, attention, care, a holiday. I have seen it with service employees (not limited to them) across the globe where they are unaccustomed that a customer will put down their phone, look them in the eye and talk to them – ask them genuinely how are they doing today? And wait for a response. Magic happens in these brief moments.
You (will) choose the job that will accommodate your traumas and pain. The service employees was one accessible example for everyone who might read this. But also, a business man, a COO, a CEO, a topnotch sales director – they all have their traumas and have landed these jobs that will accommodate with their traumas and pain.
Negligence, absent mothers, absent fathers and in fact any kind of lack as a child might develop a laddered up sense of undeserving. This sense of undeserving on its highest level can lead certain individuals to remove themselves from this existence – this is the essence of it. On lower levels, the pain is too tough emotionally that results in certain habits as an example but not limited to smoking, nail biting, cutting, hair pulling, drug abusing, over eating and so on… You will do this because the emotional pain is too strong to focus on the pain and what is causing the pain and instead you tend to numb yourself.
Similarly, because you believe you must suffer rather than receive and embrace what you are giving yourself or what you are receiving, you might sabotage a healthy relationship with a friend or your partner because you do not honestly believe that you deserve it. The sense of guilt that you feel is enormous to the extent that you become capable and ready to create situations, scenarios and circumstances that could lead to the end of your relationships. Over the years, your mind has been protecting you from the outer world, from expecting that anything positive might happen in your life and when it finally takes place, you run the opposite direction. Ask yourself: Why do I do that? What drives me from running away from it rather than towards it?